Sunday, August 12, 2007

- Yes!!! i'm finally right abt smth!!! -

Wee... nth has changed!!! so much for what i thought would happen after i let off some steam! Guess it didn't burn them enough. And i got burnt back... haiz... seems it would never change... so what is the point of me trying to make my stand? well... i guess i should just go back and be my true self. Anyway its been a long time since i let my true self out. hmm... lets see... i think its about 2 years+ already... have been hibernating for too long right? its time to awake the dragon!

Warning! if u see me in depression mode don't try anything funny! haha... you don't want to get fried! oh well... what to do... no one appreciates me when i'm nice... so wads the point? i would also get the same treatment if i'm NOT nice... so the point is... Theres no point being NICE cause no one will notice anyway... maybe i'll even feel much "better".

So lets recall about the sleeping dragon then... hmm... i used to come home late... don't care about anything LOR... stick my nose into all school matters... wow! how can i forget the most important point! No friends, No life! wahh..... hahaha... that sounds over the top! oops... don't want to sound like a NUT case! wahahahaha... weeee............


| - = kiwi88 = - @ 8/12/2007 07:54:00 pm|

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Tuesday, August 07, 2007

- Hiaz... i'm better off dead! -

Well... the day started off BAD...
Dad replied my last night SMS about having the car for the next 2 weeks. I ask for the car cause exams are around the corner and time spent traveling to and from sch is like 2hrs of wasted time... Mum said NO thats why asked dad...
"May i have the car for the next few weeks. i dun see the point spending hours on the bus just to attend 2 or 3hours of lesson. When the car will be sitting at the car park the whole day. Coe, road tax all paid for just to park the car in sch the whole day? To me it makes no sense. So may i pls have the car."
Dad gave this reply on SMS...
"The car is a thing of convenient we can live without. It is a luxury if you get to drive, if not life goes on. Appreciate the opportunities given at times, don't abuse it. And always accept 'NO' gracefully. The last thing i want is a negative environment at home."

It seem like he has a template of this cause the other time he sent me a very similar SMS. Anyway not that i don't agree with him... Its just that what i say is also true... And i have been taking 'NO' for an answer without complaining... what more do you want from me?
All i want is to use the car which everything has already been paid for and your not fully utilising it!

Yeah people can use me as a punching bag...
I already had a bad morning... but i still go to school showing a happy face... i've been doing it for years... i wonder how long more do i have to keep this going... its not easy... it hurts alot...

Called to ask about printing the room booking. And i got shouted at...

I really don't know already...
I think all i can say is i'm a useless person and a bad son.


| - = kiwi88 = - @ 8/07/2007 08:35:00 pm|

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- Feeling down again -

Back to basics again...
Back to being moody...
Back to my old self...
Back to being depressed...
Back to cursing at myself...
Back to being useless...

Today is Daniel's last day in Singapore!
Had lunch with him today down at Bt Timah... @ some Hong Kong Cafe... food was cheap and average... I've always enjoy spending time with him... be it just listening or talking... he's just on the same frequency... We've actually celebrated last Wed, had Japanese lunch at Liang Court. Food was great there... really enjoyed it... spent 12.50 on Unagi... but its worth the price. Well, his dream came true... he got a teaching job in Japan and he just left for the land of the rising sun a few hours ago... the whole gang sent him off at the airport. I had a great time! His parents were so cool too... so supportive of him... and he told them he enjoyed our company all these time... so glad... well... i can only sit back and envy people...

What do i have for myself? I don't see anything... Daniel's quote " Dreams are what keeps us going and as long as we never stop dreaming, we will probably get there someday..."
I can only dream now... and hope it'll probably get to me someday... I too have big dreams and I'm trying to work towards them...
But i don't have support from anyone... i feel that no one has ever supported me in my entire life before... i just feel so unthought of... How not to think of the negative things? There is no positive things i can recall of... being the class vice-chairman cum treasurer... got in to the Prefectorial Board/Student Leader Board... my volleyball matches... you all have never been there... switching to media club and becoming the vice-chairman within less then 6 months... come to the events which i worked on as an AV crew...
Even having good grades... i was upset with my o'levels grades... you stood there and did nothing to comfort me... having the above average grades in poly... you are still not there for me... no reaction... not even a facial expression... do you all even care about me???
Sometimes i wonder if I'm your son at all... and why is Class 95 playing all the songs which are making me cry even more now? is the wold really against me? what did i do wrong?
Is caring too much for other people wrong too? i admit I'm selfish but i still put others before myself still... caring for other people's grades... they don't listen in class then exam come... approach me, i still teach... i nag at people to do work instead of watching videos and i still get shouted back at... cup the phone some more... what have i done to deserve all these? is caring so wrong?

Nobody cares that much for me... but i care so much for other people... more than i care about myself... what do i get in return?
Is the saying 好心没好报 really that true?
If thats the case can someone teach me how not to care?
I don't want to feel so miserable for the rest of my life...
My heart is really breaking now... i can feel the pain... its worse than having an open wound sprinkled with salt!


| - = kiwi88 = - @ 8/07/2007 01:53:00 am|

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